crossroads and ravines

Funny how some people don’t believe na aalis ako sa trabahong ito without any prospect of new employment.  As in kahit anong sabihin ko, kahit anong paliwanag ko na uuwi lang talaga ako para magpahinga, they just brush it off as if I’m pulling their left and right legs.  Mas maniniwala pa yata sila if I tell them that Jarir is giving away free ipads.

Hindi ko sila masisi.  Marami na rin kasing umalis at nagdahilan ng kung ano-ano tapos hindi pa nawawala ang amoy nila sa mga sulok-sulok ng kumpanya, ayan at lilitaw sa katabing kumpanya.  Nag-over the bakod lang pala katakot-takot na drama ang ginawa.  Kung ano-anong istorya ang binuo, tinalo pa ang scriptwriter ng Channel 2 na walang mga fresh ideas sabi nga ni Alfie Lorenzo.

Sometimes nagtataka na nga ako.  Why is it so incredible to some people?  Wala ba akong karapatang mapagod?  Wala ba akong karapatang magpahinga?  Wala ba akong karapatang magsawa?  Am I really that stupid to let go of a job that pays well without any replacement that will keep the continuous stream of salary every payday?

Siguro nga.  Sa panahon ngayon, losing a job, much more letting go of one, is a senseless idea.  Sa dami ng walang trabaho ngayon, ano’ng karapatan kong magmalaki at iwanan ang trabahong marami ang pumipila para aplayan. A lot of people are queuing up daily, rain or shine, sa mga employment agencies sa Pinas.  Lalo yong mga overseas employment agencies.  And yet, here I am turning my back on one job that hundreds, probably thousands, are fighting for, teeth and claw, to get their hands on.

But come to think of it.  I’m doing someone a huge favor.  Dahil sa halip na i-monopolize ko yong spot and cling to it till it wants clinging no more, heto at binibigyan ko ang isang kaluluwa ng chance na sya naman ang magtamasa ng dolyares na binabayad ng trabahong ito.

Who knows, that person might need the spot more than I do.  He might have a huge family to support.  Baka may mga anak na hindi makapag-enroll dahil walang pampa-aral.  Baka may asawa o kapatid na may sakit.  Baka may matatandang magulang na kailangang suportahan.  O, di ba, I’m being unselfish here and doing the human race one huge favor?

Seriously, the reactions I got sent me to some serious pondering.  Buti na lang I was firm and resolute when I reached this decision.  Kaya walang nangyaring “OMG, did I do the right thing?”.

And it dawned on me.  It’s not the decision of leaving the job that is incomprehensible to some.  Hindi yong pag-alis ko ng walang ibang pupuntahang trabaho.  It’s my audacity that is incredulous to them.  It’s my boldness to jump into what seems to be a deep ravine that they find unbelievable. 

Oh yes.  To some that is plain stupid.  But for me, it’s real courage.  And sense of adventure.  Dahil gagawa ako ng panibagong chapter ng buhay ko instead of sticking it out with something na hindi ko na ma-enjoy.  Na hininila ko na lang ang katawan ko para gawin. 

So I came to the crossroads that all of us will have to face sooner or later.  Nobody is spared from this.  And at this point, we all have to make a decision.  Nauna lang ako.  Pero susunod din kayo.  And if I’ve chosen to take the route on the left, some of you will choose to make a right turn.  The point is, it’s a crossroad and you’ll have no choice but to decide.  You have to move on.  Because idling is not an option.

Wherever life leads me after this is the biggest challenge.  And facing that challenge will be one exciting adventure I’ve been dying to experience.  I might end up a millionaire and that wouldn’t be bad.  Coz I’ve got a clear plan on what to if something like that happens.  Or, I might end up selling peanuts by the roadside.  Still it wouldn’t be bad.  Coz I did what I wanted to do and found out for myself what’s at the end of the rainbow.

Call me naïve, call me loony.  But I believe it’s better to have tried and failed than wonder all your life what it feels like trying.

out into the freeway

After weeks of speculations, questions and premonitions (o ayan ariel ha hindi kita nakalimutan! hahaha) eto na, I’m letting the cat out of the bag.  Sabi ko nga noon, when the right time comes, all will be revealed.  And the reveal I’m talkin about is the admission of the fact that I’m hanging up my safety shoes, company ID and pin-striped uniform to rest.

Actually last week nag-preliminary talks na ako with my boss.  Sabi ko para no surprises pagbigay ko sa kanya ng papel.  Yon yong sinasabi kong first step sa aking one-liner in FB.  And the next step is this.  Binigay ko na yong aking notice of non-renewal of my contract.

Of course I still have to go through the usual process of interviews and other formalities.  But as it stands now, it’s bye-bye time next month.  Kaya yong mga usap-usapan at mga tanong  na dati’y hindi ko masagot ng diretso, here it is.  Yes, I’m calling it quits.

Pasensya na sa mga kaibigan na hindi ko masagot ng matino dati.  I just thought I had to do it officially before making any announcement.  Sa tagal ko na kasing sinasabing I’m gonna do it, baka hindi na kayo maniwala.  In fact, I dread telling you this and and see some eyes rolling at may kasama pang ‘here we go again’ hahahaha.

But this time, ayan na. Totoo na.  Black and white na.

Wala akong offer from any company.  Ni hindi nga ako nagsi-send ng application anywhere coz job hunting is not one of my priorities right now.  Basta gusto ko lang magpahinga.  Burned-out.  Tamad factor.  Sawa factor na rin. Afterall, 8 years is already an achievement para sa isang tulad kong maigsi ang pasensya at kakaunti ang pagtitiis sa dumadaloy sa katawan.

I’ve wanted to do this for the longest time.  Hindi lang matuloy dahil marami pa akong considerations.   Largely because of financial reasons kaya hindi ko magawa.  But even if I stare constantly at that bank balance, naisip ko, I’ll never be satisfied with whatever I’m seeing.  It will always never be enough.  Kaya sabi ko, why prolong the agony and whine about it all the time?

Doon ko rin na-realize that it’s not the money that’s stopping me to do this.  It’s my fear of stepping out of the security brought about by a constant, almost boring, existence.  Kahit siguro sino, after 8 years of doing the same thing every day, will find it hard to leave behind the life you’ve been so used to.  It’s like suddenly stepping out into LA’s freeway after so many years of taking it slow on a small town feeder road.

That’s why I finally made the call.  Being at the same situation for so long has turned me into something that I don’t really like.  Complacency is one word I don’t find appealing.  Kahit nga tubig na stagnant, pinamamahayan ng lamok na may dengue di ba.

So I’m challenging myself to explore new avenues in life.  Marami akong gustong gawin na hindi ko magawa dahil sa pagka-kampante ko sa aking buhay.  And if I don’t do it now, I’ll forever be wondering what it’s like to be doing those things.

One friend said I might be running back to Saudi in a couple of years.  Posible.  Hindi ko naman sinasabing ayaw ko na sa Saudi.  Ginawa ko na ito noon.  Left the kingdom, did other things back home, then came back 5 years later.  I’ll probably do it again.  Afterall, wala pa namang rule ang Saudi government na bawal nang bumalik ang mga umaalis, di ba.

But what’s important is that I gave myself the chance to do new things, see other places, meet other people and learn new things.  And believe me, I still cherish those 5 years as one of the best chapters of my life.

I’d like to do the same thing all over again.  Find something else outside of the four corners of an office.   But the most important thing for me right now is to grant my lazy bones the break they’ve been crying out for so long now.  Coz that’s probably the one thing that would replenish my already depleted motivation. 

Pag na-refresh na ako, then saka ko na iisipin kung ano ang uunahin ko – go bungee jumping at the Millau Viaduct,  experience life in the vineyards of Naples or relax at the beaches of Maldives!   Weehh… di nga.  Seriously.  Sa panaginip nga lang! Hahaha. 

ever tried talking to a wall?

I met an old acquaintance (buti na lang hindi friend) the other day. Kamustahan… kamustahan…. pero in less than a minute na usapan namin, I decided that it’s better to leave him alone na lang. Or else baka mapaslang ko lang ng hindi oras.

Akalain mong sa napaka-iksing oras ng usapan na yon, dalawang beses nya akong tinanong kung saan ako nagwo-work. At hindi lang yon, dalawang beses din nyang inulit kung ano ang work ko. Both questions repeated in just a space of few exchanges of lines.

Malaking kalokohan na nag-uusap kayo, malinaw na malinaw ang usapan, Face to Face ni Amy Perez, and yet uulitin mo ng dalawang beses ang dalawang tanong sa akin. Either you’re not listening or not really interested with the conversation. Kaya lalayasan na lang kita kesa makapanakit pa ako ng tao!

Pag-uwi ko ng bahay, sa FB chat, may isang kamag-anak ng kamag-anak ko (buti na lang hindi directly related) ang nagtatanong tungkol sa visa papunta sa isang European country. Porke kukunin daw sya ng kuya nya. Ang unang tanong ko – legal ba o illegal. And with that question I’m sure alam nyo ang ibig kong sabihin.

Kung legal, may working visa na ii-issue sa kanya. So dapat wala syang problema. Kung illegal, tourist ang pasok nya and she has to produce all the ‘cooked and baked’ documents para maka-apply ng visa. Eh bakit daw kailangan nyang mag-fake ng mga papeles eh meron naman daw syang totoong dokumento.

Aba eh di dalhin mo kako yan sa embassy at tingnan mo kung mabibigyan ka ng visa! Ay bibigyan naman po ako ng visa kasi Italian citizen na si kuya! Eh ganon pala eh ano’ng problema mo’t inaaksaya mo ang oras kooo??? Muntik ko nang maibato ang laptop ko sa bintana! (sa citizenship part at sa inis).

Just yesterday I was in a meeting (trabaho na to) at may ini-esplika ako sa isang grupo ng mga inhinyero tungkol sa trabaho. Isang simpleng idea ng hierarchy. Pero inabot ako ng mahigit isang oras sa pagpapaliwanag ng konsepto. Sabi ko nga sa mga kaibigan ko, either magulo akong mag-explain (which I doubt) or talaga lang hindi ako maintindihan ng mga hinayupak at kailangan ko pang i-esplika sa urdu, malayalam o hindi ang pinag-uusapan.

In all the cases above, napaisip tuloy ako. Was it really me? Nag-deteriorate na ba ang aking communication skills? If it did, I’d be damned. Dahil isa yon sa mga kino-consider kong personal strengths. A skill that I honed for so many years. Tapos di na effective?

Magagalit ang isa sa mga ini-idolo kong boss who taught me that good communication includes the ability to talk to a janitor up to a company CEO. Meaning – any level, any strata, any form, any color, size and shape ng kausap mo, if you can come across, be heard and understood, is the sign of an effective communicator.

But in the three instances I mentioned above, bakit parang mga deaf and blind ang kausap ko. Na parang alien language ang ginamit ko at hindi ako maintindihan.

But after all the unwarranted introspection, naisip ko… hindi nga siguro ako ang may problema. Sila. Sila ang either bingi, may sariling mundo at agaw-autism. Kaya unfair na i-blame ko ang sarili ko at kwestyunin ang aking communication skills. Afterall, a tree or a wall can be good barriers but can never be good listeners!

si bruce lee at si juan peklat

A few days ago may nagbakbakan sa cafeteria namin.  Isang Pinoy versus 3 itik (sa mga hindi nakaka-alam, Itik ang tawag ng mga Pinoy sa mga Indiano).  Nagkapikunan sa trabaho.  Ang ending, nalipat si kabayan ng assignment.  Pero dinig ko, napahanga ang ilan dahil nga nag-iisa sya.  Naging biruan pa nga raw na may pagka-Bruce Lee pala si kabayan dahil hindi niya inurungan yong tatlo.

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Kahapon naman, nagkukuwento ang isang kaibigan na ang isang office mate nyang kabayan din, inaway daw ng among itik.  Nadisgrasyang maitulak ng among itik si kabayan, nauntog ang ulo at dumugo. 

Two different situations.  Two different stories.  Pero ang mga karakter, iisa – pinoy vs itik. 

Marami na rin akong na-encounter na mga itik na nagpakulo ng dugo ko.  Fortunately, wala pa naman akong eksena na nag-ala Bruce Lee ako.  Pero yong pinaka-unforgettable, pang-drama anthology pa rin.

It happened back in ’88 (naku dami na naman magre-reak nito!).  Kararating ko pa lang ng Saudi.  I was a contractor then, na-assign sa isang malaking kumpanya sa industrial city.  May kasabay akong 2 pa na kabayan din from the same contracting company, sa iisang office kami napadpad.

Ang dinatnan namin sa office na yon, isang kabayan na direct hire (again, sa mga hindi nakaka-alam, sila yong employees hired directly by the company as opposed to an employee hired through a  contractor na tulad namin) at dalawang itik na contractors din pero ibang company ang sponsor.

Si kabayan (san na kaya tong si Tatay Ben), tahimik lang at cool.  Bising-bisi sa trabaho.  Kaya ang isang itik ang na-assign na mag-orient sa akin. He was a kind fella (Francis where ever you are, I owe you a lot).  I have to emphasize that part to put things in perspective – hindi hate blog ito against mga itik.  Nagkukwento lang ng mga encounter natin sa kanila.  Para malinaw lang. 

Pero kung mabait yong isa, yong isa feeling bossing.  Mayabang.  Arogante.  Let’s call him JP for Juan Peklat.  John talaga ang first name nya at ang apelyido ay malapit na sa Peklat.  But I’ll tell you about the Peklat later.

Hindi pa yata ako nakaka-tapos ng 3 months proby when one day, nag-ligalig si Peklat. May hinahanap na dokumento.  Tinanong ang isang kasabay ko.  Sinunod yong isa.  Saka lumapit sa mesa ko, asking the same question. 

“Wala sa akin yan” sabi ko.  “At hindi ko nakikita ang dokumentong sinasabi mo.”

So akala ko tapos na ang eksena.  I went out (nag-CR yata ako o kumuha ng print-out, whatever) pero pagbalik ko, nandon si Peklat sa workstation ko.  Naghahalungkat ng mga papel sa mesa ko.  Boiling point agad ang high blood ko!

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m looking for that document” sagot ng impakto sa akin.  Kaswal na kaswal.  Parang wala syang keber kung maghalungkat sya don. He thinks he owns the place kaya gagawin nya ang gusto nyang gawin.

“Di ba sabi ko sa yo wala dyan” syempre ingles yong dialog ko…

"I don't believe you"  ang sagot ng impakto sa akin.  At dinagdagan pa ng “I don’t trust you”.

Eh di sumabog ang dapat sumabog.

Hindi ko matandaan kung ano ang mga eksaktong words na binuga ko sa kanya.  Basta ang alam ko 5 octaves higher ang boses ko kaya nagsilipan yong mga Bisor na nasa adjacent room namin.  Ang hindi ko lang makalimutan ay yong closing remarks ko na pang-teleserye…

“Don’t treat us like a bunch of idiots” (para sa 2 kong kasama) “I’ll show you that Filipinos work better than you do (at para sa lahat ng mga Pinoy).

Binalingan ko pa ang dalawang kasama ko…  “huwag nga kayong papayag na tinataran**do nitong ga**ng to”. (oh, Noel and Danny, sa totoong buhay lang to di ba).

Natulala si Peklat.  Hindi nya siguro ine-expect na sa liit kong yon, at sa bata kong yon eh papalag ako ng ganon.  Well, hindi siguro nya alam that dynamite comes in small package.  Hindi rin siguro nya alam na 23 yo pa lang ako pero 130/90 na ang BP ko na hinilot ko lang sa clinic na nag-medical sa akin para ipasa ako.  At lalong hindi nya alam na lahing dragon ako kaya nabugahan sya ng fireball ng wala sa oras!

Up until this day, wala akong kahit na katiting na doubt or worry sa ginawa kong yon.  Siguro dahil nga bata pa ako, hindi ko inisip na pwedeng lumala yong sitwasyon at mapa-uwi ako.  Basta ang alam ko I have to stand my ground.  Kahit pa sabihing nagbabayad pa ako ng inutang kong pang-placement fee.

Basta hindi ako papayag na i-violate ng ganon.  Wala akong maling ginawa.  And I wouldn’t allow anybody to strip me of my dignity ng ganon-ganon lang.  Kaya kahit anong mangyari, all I know is that I did the right thing for myself, para sa 2 kasamahan ko at para sa iba pang Pinoy na pwedeng abusuhin nitong Peklat na ito.  Well it turned out that I did the right thing.  

In fact, validation came early.  Dahil as soon as I reached my first year don sa office, inumpisahan na ng boss ko na ilatag yong pagdi-direct hire sa akin.  Which is a big deal nong mga panahong yon dahil wala pa raw nangyaring ganon. (I had to highlight the ‘raw’ dahil hindi ko nga alam kung gaano katotoo).  In short, precedent daw ang nangyari sa akin (sa amin actually dahil 2 kaming sabay na ginawan ng ganitong proseso – the other one is still very much alive and kicking na ka-FB ko pa – hi there Verns!).  In fact one doubting Thomas ang nag-linyang ipapaputol daw nya ang daliri nya pag natuloy yong DH namin.  Eh natuloy nga.  Pero yong putulan ng daliri wala lang… jowk! Hahahaa.  (please Buboy wag mo akong multuhin haaa)

And so my hardwork paid off.  Pinanindigan ko yong sinabi kong Filipinos work better.  At nasabi kong validation ito dahil si Peklat, nong matapos ang kontrata, hindi na ni-renew.  My boss might be an old man but he is wise enough to know that Peklat is a poser.  Nagkukunwari lang na busy at nagta-trabaho pag nandyan ang amo.  Pag wala, nakataas ang paa habang nagtsa-tsaa at at nakababad sa telepono with his friends.

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With his air of superiority and arrogance, alam ko na nag-iwan ng peklat sa pride nya ang nangyari (so malinaw na why I call him Peklat?).  Hindi ko lang alam kung natuto sya sa nangyaring bugahan portion na yon.  Pero kung hindi man at ginawa nya ulit sa ibang Pinoy ang ginawa nya sa akin, I’m sure madadagdagan pa ang peklat nya. Dahil marami pa syang mae-encounter na Pinoy na bumubuga ng apoy (my friends Raoul and Edgar included! hahaha).  At laking malas nya kung si Bruce Lee pa ang masagupa nya!

kites and kabul

Ewan ko ba naman kung bakit pag magaganda ang pelikula, ilalagay ng mga hunghang na tv station sa super late na time slot on a workday pa! Well actually iba ang oras dito sa Saudi compared to the Tv station na pinapanooran ko. At free to air tv lang yon so who am I to complain! Hahaha!

Tulad kagabi, I crawled to my bed at 11pm, ready to turn my engines off and try to sleep early (early pa yon huh!). Then came along this film The Kite Runner in MBC Max. Sabi ko titingnan ko lang ang first few scenes dahil nabasa ko na ito sa mga movie reviews dati. Nominated sa BAFTA, Golden Globe and Oscars kaya sabi ko baka maganda. Ayun, ang ending, early morning na ako nakatulog. 1:30am to be exact.

Sabi ko naman sa dati kong mga posts, medyo nagsawa na ako sa movies made in Hollywood. I want to see world films – yong galing sa mga kung saan-saang parte ng mundo. And this one, though it was made by an American director (Marc Forster) has an interesting flavor to it because the story was set in Afghanistan and most actors were authentic Afghans.

It’s a story of two boys – one rich (Amir), the other a servant (Hassan) – growing up in Kabul as best of friends. Kahit si Hassan ay alipin lamang sa bahay nina Amir, Hassan’s loyalty to Amir is unconditional. On the contrary, Amir’s friendship to Hassan has boundaries. While Hassan got mauled (at sabi sa original na istorya ay na-rape) because of his loyalty to Amir, Amir can’t even defend Hassan kahit nakikita nya ang pambubugbog dito. Duwag kasi sya.

Hassan’s silence after the incident worried Amir even more. Kaya gumawa sya ng paraan para mapalayas si Hassan at ang tatay nito. He planted his watch under Hassan’s pillow saka nagsumbong sa kanyang Baba (father). He wanted Hassan out of his sight dahil baka mabisto ang kaduwagan nya na nagpahamak kay Hassan. Then he will lose the affection of his Baba na alam na nyang disappointed sa pagiging weakling nya.

When Amir was 14, the Russians came and invaded Afghanistan. Dahil open critic ng mga communist ang tatay ni Amir, they had to flee to Pakistan before proceeding to California where they settled. Kung dati ay mayaman sila sa Kabul, sa Cali ay ordinary citizens lang sila. Amir’s father worked in a gasoline station. They also sold stuff in a flea market. Then Amir finally got a diploma, pursued his writing and got married. Shortly after his marriage, namatay na ang Baba nya.

Nong na-publish na finally ang first book nya and he was about to launch his writing career, saka naman nagkaron ng twist ang story. He had to go back to Pakistan where he finally uncovered a long-kept secret. Because of that revelation, he has to go back to Kabul to rescue the boy na anak ni Hassan. Who turned out to be his very own nephew dahil si Hassan pala ay half-brother nya.

Walang masyadong action ang pelikula until this point. Pero nong pumasok na ulit sya sa Afghanistan, sobrang intense ng mga scenes at takbo ng istorya. And believe me, I was wide awake sa puntong yon even if it’s almost 1am. As if I was actually in war-ravaged Kabul directly facing the Talibans. Pag ganon ang effect ng pelikula sa akin, it must be really good.

Taken from a best-selling book of the same title (author: Khaled Hosseini), the story was quite compelling. Although sa synopsis nong book na nakita ko sa Wiki, marami pang eksena at pangyayari ang hindi ko nakita sa film. On second thought, baka edited na yong film na napanood ko kasi nga it’s shown in MBC. But apparently, the book and the movie itself was highly controversial. The Afghan government banned entry of any copy of this film dahil may mga dialogue at scenes na hindi nila pwedeng ipakita sa viewing public. It may lead to some violent reaction daw from sectors na hindi maiintindihan at mao-offend noong pelikula.

With such a rich plot to work upon, Marc Forster did a great job in directing the film. The storytelling was poignant, engaging and very real. Magaling din ang buong technical team nya from his cameraman down to the production design team. Hindi ko akalaing flying a kite can be that exciting. At kahit sa China pala ginawa ang shooting, nagmukhang Kabul talaga yong bigger part of the film.

I also commend all the actors who did a great job in portraying the characters. Magagaling yong dalawang Afghan boys who played Amir and Hassan. And even Khalid Abdalla who played the grown-up Amir. His portrayal of a weak, good son is very effective. He was able to convey the agony of hiding a dark guilt for a long time. And the struggle to make amends even if it means risking his own life, facing his weakness and coming out a stronger person in the end.

Kaya lang, as always, may minor flaws akong nakita. Like yong picture ni Shorab (the boy to be rescued) together with his father Hassan. Ang tagal nang tinakbo nong film between the first scene na nakita yong picture until nong pinakita ni Amir kay Shorab. But the picture was still as glossy at walang kahit kaunting crease or crumple.

Medyo hindi rin ako convinced that after 15, 20 years, kilala pa rin ni Assef (kontrabida as one of the Taliban leaders) si Amir with all the latter’s disguise. Sana pinakita na lang na even Assef was surprised to find out it was Amir na binu-bully nya dati noong bata pa sila.

Anyhooo… maganda pa rin yong pelikula. And as I always do, I’ll recommend that you find a copy of it and watch it. Para maiba naman. I’m gonna find a copy myself dahil gusto kong mapanood yong unedited version. And probably I’ll look for the book also. Gusto kong mabasa ng buo yong istorya. Coz it’s one damn good story that proves, as I always say, Hollywood doesn’t have the monopoly to good films!