beyond the grief

August 1995 when I had to fly back home to bury my father. Back then, everything was a blur. Lahat naging hazy, parang abstract painting right after I read the fax message bearing the bad news. I was like a walking zombie. Buhay, kumikilos pero wala ang utak at ispirito sa katawan. I could have boarded a plane to Zimbabwe and never cared. Ayaw kong umuwi dahil alam ko kung ano ang naghihintay. But I had to.

Now, it’s the same story all over again. Everything went surreal when I read the text message telling me that mother passed away. And I had to fly back home once again to bury the last person on earth who gives me great inspiration. Para na naman akong zombie. Walking, talking and even managing a few fake laughter here and there but never really feeling a bit of it. Coz my heart is in great pain.

All eyes were on me when I arrived home. They were expecting something dramatic from me dahil ako ang nakita nilang nagbuhos ng pagmamahal sa aking Ina (which is quite unfair for my brothers and sisters who loved our mother just as I loved her). Ako lang kasi ang nakita nilang tumutok at nag-alay ng buong buhay ko with all the sacrifices I’ve done, working abroad all these years just to give her a comfortable life. That’s why they were expecting me to cry a bucket after losing her.

But to their surprise, walang breakdown na nangyari. Even I was surprised with myself dahil hindi ako naiiyak. Ramdam ko ang sakit na nasa puso ko but I’m not crying. Hindi pa siguro this time, sabi ko sa sarili ko.

After consoling my eldest sister who broke to tears nang salubungin ako sa gate ng bahay namin, I went straight to Nanay’s casket. And stared blankly at the face na ngayon ko lang nakitang naka-make-up. Maganda pa rin ang Nanay ko even at her death. Mabuti na lang I told my sister to go for the most expensive casket available. Anything less would have done her injustice.

When I joined the afternoon prayer, doon medyo nag-umpisa akong umiyak. Lalo na noong nasa parte ng isang cantata that talks about saying goodbye. Paalam said the hoarse voices of the old ladies leading the prayer. The pain started creeping into the valves of my emotion. And I started to weep silently.

It was at the church, after the mass, noong magsalita ako in front of my family and everyone who attended the service, na hindi ko na napigilang umiyak. I had to pause for a minute or two bago ko maituloy ang acknowledgement sa mga nakiramay at tumulong. But I had to be strong for everyone. I know that my grief is being shared by everyone at hindi ko na kailangang mag-umpisa ng hysteria. A deep, silent prayer is what my mother needs. Not the drama.

Natapos ang libing ng maayos. Walang hinimatay. Walang maeskandalong iyakan. We’ve accepted what God has given us. At lahat kaming magkakapatid, we’re all in agreement na maayos na ang kalagayan ni Nanay. That all the pain and suffering she’s gone through has finally ended.

After the funeral, nagkukwentuhan kaming magkakapatid. Puyat, pagod at namumugto ang mata, nakita namin ang isang bagay na nagpagaan, kahit kaunti, ng aming lungkot. Doon namin napag-usapan at na-realize ang dami ng taong nakiramay. The 6-day wake saw an outpouring of support from everyone. Mga kapitbahay, kaibigan, kakilala at lalong-lalo na sa mga kamag-anak. Everyone showed how they feel for our loss.

And the most comforting part of it, ay ang haba ng prosesyon na nakipag-libing sa mahal naming Ina. We must have stopped a whole lot of traffic dahil sa haba ng cortege. Something that is so unusual for an ordinary, virtually unknown person like Nanay.

At doon namin na-realize na hindi pala ordinary at unknown si Nanay. She was one strong, well-loved matriarch who wielded so much power in her own ways. Nirespeto at minahal ng mga taong nakakilala sa kanya. Ginalang at binigyan ng importansya ng mga taong nagkaroon ng opportunity na makasama sya sa mundong ito.

And that gave us great comfort in this rather sad part of our family history. At na-realize namin, it’s not all about the tears. It’s not about the crying and the hysteria. It’s about the legacy that one leaves behind. At dahil doon, naniniwala kami na nakangiti si Nanay sa amin saan man sya naroroon.

With that, I truly believe that she is indeed, resting in peace.